A Guide to Living with The Doctor
by MadderThanTheCheshire
Summary: Rose decides to write a guide book for all future traveling companions of the Doctors. With a little added bits from other companions.
1. Chapter 1

A Guide to Living with The Doctor

Summary: Rose decides to write a guide book for all future traveling companions of the Doctors.

A/N: Random fic idea I got from my big sis Cathy one night during our usual late night conversations over the phone. We have really random convos….

Dedicated to: Cathy, for being as crazy as I am. And for being a cool "older sis" to me. You're too fun to talk to on the phone girl. You just make me think of things that well, an older sister shouldn't make one think! Lol, but most of the time you make me think really random things.

Thanks to Tobie for looking over this for me when she should be doing her homework….and so should I….

If you're reading this, then you must have found this in the library on the first shelf you came to. And you must be the Doctors newest companion. Hello there. I'm Rose Tyler. I am the Doctor's old companion. Well, the 9th and 10th Doctor's companion that is.

This book you're reading is going to be a life saver to you. At least I hope it is. This is a companion's guide to living with the Doctor. In this book I shall tell you what you should, and shouldn't do. What you should and shouldn't wear, and of course, what you should and shouldn't say. Please, pay close attention.

Always wear trainers. And I do mean _always._

Don't wear skirts. They aren't really all that well to run in.

Do not, under any circumstances, drink or eat before you leave the TARDIS to go out and explore a new planet, or time. I can assure you, there aren't any loo's around when you are running.

If the Doctor starts to be rude to people, either pinch him, or let him know he's being rude so he doesn't insult the wrong person. If you fail to inform him of his error, this will only end up with you running for your lives.

Do NOT mention anything about the future, to anyone in the past. A big no no.

If the Doctor takes you back in time to when you were a baby and you happen to save your father from dying when he should have died, then do not touch your infant self.

On second thought, don't save the parent that is supposed to be dead. Reapers will come and kill everyone in the world just to try and make up for that one person being alive.

Bananas are good. But do not wear banana flavored chap stick around the Doctor. He will spend all day or night looking for the source of the smell. That means yes, he will search your pockets and bedroom for it.

Don't try to be funny and put ginger colored hair dye in his shampoo. It's not funny when he finds out you did it.

Get use to lack of sleep.

Keep cash on you at all times when you visit your home planet. The Doctor never carries money on him. Cheap skate!

When told to stay put; don't. It's far more entertaining to go off and explore by yourself. Except when there are psychotic droids on the loose that want to cut you up and use you for parts to fix their ship.

If the Doctor is going on and on about something you have no idea about, pretend to listen. Nod your head and say the occasional, "uh huh" to him. But make sure to tune in every now and then. You will most likely have to reassure him that you are in fact listening. Even though you are not.

Although to be honest, you really should listen to what the Doctor has to say. His ramblings do come in handy when you are in a life or death situations.

The Doctor hates cats.

Do not mention the Doctors home planet. It will only cause him to become depressed.

Do not question the Doctor when he is trying to save your life and the lives of others. It only irritates him.

Ask questions when the need arrives. But make them smart questions! Help him out when he needs it as well.

Don't panic when your life is in danger. It doesn't help the situation any.

Make sure you keep a stock of bananas on board often.

When snuggling up to the Doctor in front of the fire in the library, don't fall asleep on him when he's reading a story to you. It's a bit rude.

Don't snuggle with my Doctor period actually. He's mine.

The Doctor has had other companions before you. Don't get jealous if he happens to run into one from his past.

Remember: Daleks BAD! VERY VERY BAD!

Also remember: CYBERMEN VERY VERY BAD!!

Don't insult the Queen of England. It's not pretty.

If you are not Scottish. Do not attempt a Scottish accent.

The Doctor doesn't know how to do laundry. Don't be surprised if he asks, no begs, you to do it for him. (Use cold water on ALL his clothes. If you have alien goop on your clothes, only use warm, not hot, water. If no goop, use cold and the soap that's in the RED bottle. If there is goop or slime use the blue bottle. Do not get these mixed up.)

Don't go looking for a window in the TARDIS. You will never find out. Trust me.

Try not to get kidnapped. It's a real bother.

Also, do not partake in any ritual dances on a strange planet. You could be unknowingly agreeing to marry your dance partner.

--

Alright, there will be more to come…..that is if you REVIEW!! What can I say? I'm a review junkie!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to all of you that reviewed! I loved reading every one of them. Definitely put a smile on my face.**

**Someone suggested that I write notes from other companions, and I thought that was a great idea. So here is a note of things from Jack to future companions.**

1. If a hot chick is traveling with the Doctor, and he seems a little protective of her. Warning: Do not make attempts to get her into bed with you. The Doc will be more then willing to chuck you out into space and let you float.

2. Don't make innuendo jokes to the Doc. He will never take you up on them. Ever.

3. Going "Dun dun dun duuuuuun!" - everytime the Doc walks into a room, is only annoying  
and he does not like it at all. Besides, if you wish to have coffee every morning, I don't recommend doing it.

4. Don't walk around naked in the TARDIS, even though you are the only ones in it. He doesn't find it funny, and he will lock you outside, on a planet. A planet in the dead of winter.

5. Putting a blow up doll that resembles Rose in his bed may be funny, but the Doctor….and Rose, do not find it so.

6. Even though dying the Docs hair green is funny--he will not think so when you land on a planet that if your hair is green, you attract all the women on it. Apparently green hair means you are highly fertile.

7. When recording your favorite television shows, stay away from the blue button on the recorder. Trust me.

8. Even though you've read the last Twilight book before the Doctor, do not try and ruin it for him. He has ways of making you regret it.

9. Don't mix a pear and a banana together and have it taste like a pear. The Doc will eat it and complain about the taste for hours – if not weeks – on end about it.

10. If you decide to hide all the toilet paper on the TARDIS – don't be stupid and hide in the the room by yours!

11. Guns No no.

12. Don't make bets with the Doctor. You will lose.

13. Especially if it's about sports.

14. Or if you happen to have lost 2 years of memory.

15. Don't tell the Doctor the Loch Nest Monster isn't real. You are wrong. Dead wrong.

16. Dracula is real. Just not the Dracula you are thinking of.

17. Vampires are real as well. No. They do not sparkle.

18. Even though you want to watch the last Harry Potter film – it will be impossible to do so. The Doctor as made it so you can't. Damn him.

19. Don't look up porn on the computer. The TARDIS, being a woman, will make you suffer.

20. So will the Doc and Rose.

21. If you are male –which I doubt- and decide to have a drinking contest with the Doctor…..oh wait. On second thought, don't have a drinking contest with the Doctor. Whether you're male or female. Alcohol does not effect him.

22. Droids are scary when they want to give you a "Face Off"…..

23. When told the Doctor never sleeps….it is best not to go and try to find his room. The corridors and the bedrooms move around.

24. Even though it would be very very cool to have a T-Rex on the TARDIS, it isn't smart to try and sneak one on. The Doctor doesn't think it's funny for some reason.

25. Whatever you do – do NOT give the man Starbucks! Trust me on this one!! (thanks to Soreye for this one.)

26. Or chocolate.

27. Or soda.

28. Actually, don't give me caffeine period.

29. Never tell the Doctor you are out of bananas during a life or death situation. He will be highly distracted about that fact and will probably blow up, or nearly blow up, the planet, or building you are in/on at that time.

30. When the Doctor dares you to race you on a mapped course in the Tardis's forrest—don't accept. He cheats! insert pouting face here

31. Don't tell the Doc he's a cheater to his face.

32. Don't hug Rose and my Doctor. He's ours. Deal with it.

33. If you watch the Doctor regenerate, do not panic! He's only healing himself….and who knows, he might turn out better looking then he already is!

34. Oh, and Rose says if you ever watch him regenerate – to put a pot of tea on. He comes through faster.

35. And remember, if he does regenerate, he is STILL the same Doctor you knew before….just with a different face. That's all. Still the same old man.

36. Word of advice from both Rose and I – DON'T LET THE DOCTOR GET HURT ENOUGH THAT HE HAS TO REGENERATE!

37. Don't leave your diary – if you have one – laying around in the open…The Doctor loves reading whatever he can get his hands on.

38. If you go to the end of the world on any planet, any at all...beware of the uh...not so friendly people you might encounter.

**Soon I will be making a list of things from Martha's POV, then Donna's. Give me time though, I'm quite busy. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Martha's' list.**

I haven't traveled with the Doctor long, but during the time I did travel with him, I learned a lot of things.

1. If you go to the end of the Universe and a hot guy is holding onto the side of the Tardis and he drops dead. Don't panic. It might be Jack Harkness and if you give him CPR, it will do no good. But it's a good excuse to kiss him!

2. If you go to the end of the universe with him….hang on tight to anything you can. It's a bumpy ride!

3. Come to think ok it – hold on whenever he drives. His driving isn't really the best.

4. The Doctor has a habit of talking about Rose. Don't be offended by it. He loves her.

5. Don't mention Rose. Not unless you want a sad depressed Doctor on your hands.

6. Or have him talk your ear off about all the things they did together.

7. Pay attention to what the Doctor tells you. Saves you a lot of frustrating minutes/hours try to figure out how to work the bloody stove!

8. Don't spray the TARDIS with banana scented air freshener. Trust me.

9. Don't have banana scented/flavored anything on the TARDIS actually. You could end up somewhere you don't want to be.

10. Rose was right. It is impossible to find the windows on the TARDIS!

11. The Doctor has a habit of licking things. Keep your stuff away from him.

12. He also likes putting things in his mouth. Try to keep strange –or everything – away from his mouth.

13. Shakespeare is cool. The Doctor is a huge fan.

14. Witches are real! But sadly they are nothing like the witches in the Harry Potter books/films! (Sad face)

15. Because of said witches, come up with new words.

16. Make sure the words are long.

17. And hard to say.

18. Don't fall in love with the Doctor. It only leads to heartache.

19. The age old question of 'boxers or briefs', does not apply to the Doctor. He sometimes goes commando (insert fainting girls here).

20. But when he does wear them, he wears boxers…..sometimes briefs.

21. Don't dye said underwear pink. He hates that color. Who knew!?

22. Stock up on pink ty-dye. (Evil grin)

23. If the Doctor is taken over by an alien race bent on killing everyone, try freezing him!

24. If the Doctor takes you to a time when they don't have toilets – beware of people emptying the buckets out of windows over head. Not pretty. (Shudders)

**Ok people, you know what to do!**


	4. Chapter 4

Donnas' List

When/if the Doctor tells you he just wants a "mate", he just means a friend! Not a mate mate ya know?

The Doctor is very dangerous when he is depressed.

Make sure the Doctor isn't depressed.

Always wear running shoes.

Pack accordingly. (i.e.; winter coats, tank tops, mittens, est.)

When the Doctor tells you to do something – do it. Unless you know better then in other cases just ignore him.

The largest library in the Universe is a scary place.

If the Doctor wants to take you to a library, make sure to ask if it has shadows that eat people.

Christmas is not the Doctor's holiday.

Women – of any species – fall for the Doctor.

Don't make alien jokes.

Especially in a room full of aliens.

Don't call the Doctor pretty boy. He doesn't get it.

And his ego doesn't need inflating!

Babies made of fat maybe cute but they are made of FAT! Not that pretty folks!

The Doctor might want to take you to Athens, but he will most likely end up taking you to Pompeii on VOLCANO DAY!

When insulting the Doctor, make it funny.

When insulting him, try to make it sound like a complement. When he realizes it was an insult, it makes it a whole lot funnier.

The Doctor looks good in kilt!

The Doctor can sing! Sign him up for karaoke.

If you have a giant time bug on your back – don't panic. Not much you can do about it besides going back in time and killing yourself so you in up in your right world.

Oods are scary. Stay away from Oods. (Though their names are funny).

Slime is hard to get out of fur lining.

Slime is hard to get out of anything really. Become good friends with the TARDIS so she'll do that wash for you. Because the Doctor can't remember how to wash clothes!

**That's all folks! Stay tuned for one last chapter!!**


	5. Chapter 5

Last chapter!

Disclaimer: I guess since it's the last chapter, I should do one of these again. Ok, here goes. I do not, and sadly probably never will, own Doctor Who or any of the characters. I do however hope to meet at least the actors!--I have no prayer of course.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Computer troubles, school, work, and life, have all gotten in the way of my writing. Bright side though, I turn 19 on Sunday!! WOOT!

This is a note to all future companions, recorded by the TARDIS of a conversation Rose Tyler, Captain Jack Harkness, Martha Jones, and Donna Noble had. Written on (insert episode title here). Side comments by Micky Smith, and Sarah-Jane.

_Rose: The biggest secret that The Doctor does not, and most likely never will, want anyone to know, is that…._

_Jack: Is what?!_

_Rose: Shut up and I'll tell you!_

_Jack: You wound me Rosie! (Claps hands over his heart in mock hurt)_

_Sarah-Jane: Shut up both of you._

_Martha: Thank you. Thought they'd never stop bickering._

_Micky: Should have seen them in the beginning. They argued just like any brother and sister would….actually, they still do!_

_Sarah-Jane: Rose, what were you going to say?_

_Rose: Right. The Doctor has a…_

_Donna: Oh my gosh! You know what would be hilarious!? If she said he had a tattoo of a ballerena on his bum!_

_Rose: I was actually going to say he has a tattoo of a banana on his right shoulder blade but that would be even better!_

_Jack: Of course you'd be the one to see that part of him!_

_Donna: Oi! I've seen the whole package! And it was SCARY!_

_Rose, Jack, Micky, Sarah-Jane, and Martha, all look at her like she's lost her mind. Which is a very likely option._

_Everyone: What?!_

_Jack: She's insane. She has to be!_

_Rose: I second that thought._

_Martha: Third._

_Sarah-Jane: Fourth._

_Micky: Fifth._

_Everyone snaps their heads toward Micky at his spoken agreement._

_Rose: Uh…_

_Jack: Well…that was…_

_Sarah-Jane: Odd._

_Jack and Rose: Very._

_Micky: Shut up._

_Rose: Right, so yea. The Doctor has a banana tattoo. Isn't that the oddest….er, second, oddest thing (looks at Micky) you've ever heard?_

_Everyone: Yes!_

_Jack: No…no actually it's not…_

_Rose: Yea. You're right. I mean, considering his love for the fruit._

_Sarah-Jane: When did you see his tattoo exactly Rose?_

_Jack/Micky: Yeah!?_

_Rose: Christmas 2006 when he was regenerating. It was either I change him or Mum. And I knew Mum would just stare at him so I did it._

_Jack: Suuuure._

_Rose: It's true!_

_Jack: Uh huh…_

_Sarah-Jane: Stop it both of you! Jack, you're around 100 plus years old, you should know better than this by now! And you Rose, you've been around him and the Doctor long enough to know that they're both me, and they won't ever grow up. No matter how old they are._

_Rose/Martha/Donna: That's for sure!_

_Jack/Micky: Oi!_

_Women: - laugh and walk out of the room –_

_Micky: Soo…banana tattoo? Really?_

_Jack: Yeah. I was thinking something cool ya know? Something…_

_Micky: Other then fruit?_

_Jack: Exactly._

_Micky: Shouldn't surprise us ya know. It IS the Doctor after all._

_Jack: Yeah. You're right. It shouldn't…and sadly it doesn't really._

_Micky: Yup._

_END of transmission. _

**So sorry this was short…and stupid. My original draft of this chapter was lost when I had gotten a virus, and sadly I hadn't saved it to my USB chip. I hope this chapter wasn't too ghastly. **

**Review please!**


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